Thursday, 11 January 2024

Reciprocated Love

 遇见你,才知道没有爱你太多、也不会不值得你的爱

我们互补的完美,曾经让我怀疑完美真的存在吗,还是只是我单方面的蠢猜?


很多好朋友都为我高兴,说“终于”找到了吖

其实我排斥,什么叫“终于”?我一直秉持着单身很好、去约会也很好玩的心态,所以“终于”对我来说太沉重


最近也鼓励一个朋友积极去约会,她回道:“你是不是想念单身的日子?” 

我排斥她的有心无意的看法。我婚前婚后差不多,唯一的差别在于叫另一对夫妇爸爸妈咪,所以“想念单身”这phrase对我来说太无味


我的排斥很多,因为我至婚后,都还找不到结婚的理由。

我享受我和他的一切,但不是结婚的理由。


Tuesday, 14 June 2022

The persistent ephemeral thoughts of me about us

It has been such a long while...

since the last time I embrace our innate ability to love, to give, to receive, to reciprocate 

I do not get bored out of my brain cells when you serve yourself to me on a silver relationship platter, no.

Cause I'd do the same without second thought, too. It's called trust and communication, it's called no stupid games, it's called knowing exactly what we want.



You came along the perfect timing, in our perfect selves. 

You are a luxurious necessity in my life now, 

for which you make the flowers bloom bountifully that the view of just the field is always breathtaking with you beside me,

for which you illuminate the solemn sky with spangled stars that just the immense solemn is always enchanting with your arms wrapped around me,

for which you dance frenetically in my blank space that just the unruffled moment is always ecstatic with your lulling breath beside my ears.


Love is a conscious decision, that comes with conditions, opines in our lovemaking, lingers in our murmured endearment, amplified in our every next breath. 



It isn't painful anymore, it isn't burdensome anymore, it isn't precarious anymore;

It is now you, it is now us, I am now home safe and sound.







Saturday, 23 May 2020

为什么在梦里,我那么确定那是巴勒斯坦?

在一艘快艇上,有着两节火车车厢,危险地在车厢上摆着各种危险姿势,接着才进游艇里说笑。
不知什么时候几位军人上了游艇,射死了他,射死了她,犹豫了一秒后射死了她,我装睡,他把我拉到脚边。

色诱而幸免。

那是个很慢很慢很慢的过程,没有对上眼神,他唤起我的做作。
 
我胆怯、我服从、我懦弱。

在日常,因为要求平等,决不接受任何不平等的想法、说法;在求存,我激发并成全他无谓的卓越感。

画面转至一道篱笆,这是一道主宰人权的篱笆。
篱笆前,是所有人;篱笆后,是某人自定义的人。
篱笆前,出现一对父子。
儿子健硕,约十七、六岁;
父亲头部和四肢严重创伤,粗略地包扎着。
篱笆间,儿子通过了;父亲被禁止了。
父亲举起了手,想和儿子道别。
不知哪来了个宝宝,把父亲因溃烂黏在一起的手指一支一支地掰开。
本应剧痛,但父亲一声不吭,也看不清父亲的脸色,只能感受到他对儿子强烈的不舍。
突然,宝宝把一手指掰断,轻咬了那截肢,好多小白虫跑了出来。

我唯一确定的是,那道篱笆是Palestine.




Monday, 28 October 2019

你

这很美的梦,一个恶梦

你的温柔,那么真实,因为我还记得你的温柔;
你的笑容,那么真切,因为我怎么忘得了你的笑容;

还有
你沉稳的声音
你深邃的眼神
你羞涩的笑

这不是折磨,是什么
这不是虐待,是什么

梦里唯一的清醒,是我问了自己“你怎么可能回来了,怎么可能!”

还有,那温暖的拥抱

Monday, 7 October 2019

kampachi

好久没有去Pavillion了

一踏入entrance,便是我们曾经一起牵手的回忆。
一抵达五楼,便是我们吵架的画面。

那时好爱你,我们都必须存钱好久才能在里面吃一顿好的
现在你走了,我能在这吃上好多顿,却再也没意义

我不要想你了 好累好累



Friday, 27 September 2019

needy

I've met someone who share the same song list.

I've met someone who thinks that I'm cute because I'm weird.

I've met someone who wanna watch every movie with me.

I've met someone who is caring yet daring.

I've met someone who is kind and fine.


but

I am yet to meet the guy whom my fairy is going to sprinkle the pixie dust on,
who can make our moments magical,
whom I am not afraid to love wildly,
who can call me every morning and night,
whom I can prep breakfast for, pack lunch for, and have dinner together,

whom we need not to make the promise, but we know we'll be there for each other, for as long as we are in love.



Thursday, 30 May 2019

may we be blessed with the strength we need right now

'repatriation' is a word that I'd never imagine using, on a friend.

death isn't a glimpse of darkness, but an inspiration for grief and despair.

she has played her last serenade the best possible way she could, and therefore left us tangled in the kind and sweet memories we shared.

may you rest in peace and may the family stay strong.

Saturday, 25 May 2019

the dull pain that pierce through nothingness

it fucking haunted me again, on a peaceful yet scorching hot Thursday night, I guess the awful selsery reminded me of the flaming hell we used to share.

i was even puzzled by myself in the nightmare, for i was still so crazy about you, and the climax of the nightmare was when you walked away from her.
brick by brick, the wall came tumbling down again, followed by the strings of pearls spilling down my face. It ripped through my muscles and my bones. You are crowned again, in my hollowness.

I woke up, as though I was still bearing the open wound, but I don't even have to attempt to hide the pain anymore. The emotion got walled off behind a mask of coping, easily.

True love is cruel, for it's a grand kingdom with no room for novelty, 
nothing ever worn off here, 
or rather, no one.






Friday, 25 January 2019

好像是你
好害怕是你
看了一下下
还是算了

原来 我们真的不能做朋友

Sunday, 13 January 2019

后知后觉这种事,很常发生在我身上

昨天才发觉,自分手那么多年以来,我很少再追求与人有关的commitment。

在失去一个很爱很爱的人,一个我当时很有自信爱得很好的人以后,我的内心对追求已经起了层雾。

不是不要,而是不敢;
糟糕的是,这种不敢的感觉是潜意识的决定,根本是不在我的清醒意识下做的决定。
这是不是所谓的phobia?

害怕被拒绝,害怕失落的感觉,害怕跌到谷底。
这不是我的错,不是他的错,是我的自我防卫系统被启动。

由于我曾经歇斯底里,所以我的脑袋把这种不愉快的经历归纳进了“NO-NO category”,也把有关的trigger一并记载。

我一直以为我很坚持:我要的,我可以得到。
昨天才发觉,其实我一直在偷偷deny我想要的,是因为我知道,有些东西不是要就可以得到。

我决定再次出去被擦伤刮破碰个淤青,
与更多人建立更人性化更有温暖的感情。






Monday, 24 September 2018

Sept 25th

this is one of the screwed up mornings.
I cant breathe but I can cry
I cant think but I can wander
I cant smile but I can teach

There's a fvking tonne of unknown pressure on my chest, the volumn of my phone is already at its max but the musics just seem to be not loud enough.

fuck, I'm screwed today.

Sunday, 29 July 2018

有些梦,我追不起。

最近很多人跟我说“你的生活是我的梦想”。
我总会说“你不踏出第一步去追,你与梦想的距离就永远那么远”。

其实,我的生活到底是怎么样的呢?

我有一份喜欢的工作,
住在不错的房子里,
有闲情培养我的兴趣,
还能走透各国文化;

我一年九个月想着家,
三个月见证没法每日陪伴却苍老印迹明显的爸妈,
还有不能伴着他们成长的外甥女外甥和侄儿。

我的生活,你理解吗?

还是其实你想对我说“你的instagram是我的梦想”?

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

28+2

With plenty of surprises in the recent two months, I am all fragile and exposed again.

and I thought I was pretty well armored...


As I made the decision to let go, soon I found attractiveness in another soul.
I've always loved and enjoyed the silliness and uncontrollable irrationals, but as time has drawn closer to going home, I'm brought closer to the reality, and to go through my dusty rational thoughts.


I want to love and to be loved, and I want to be strong and capable.


seems like I have chosen the safe card, knowing that's the right thing to do and less chance of people seeing me stumble and broken.

but my mind is still wandering, so ready to accept any changes that may come by, while trying to look for any tiniest clue that was missed. 


Bearing in mind that, it's my call, to make everything happen, I have the power. 

 


Saturday, 19 May 2018

what do you appreciate the most about yourself?

if there's one day, that you gotta compromise everything about yourself, except for one thing.

what's the only one thing of yourself that you would choose to keep?



or you would beg to forget it all...

Friday, 4 May 2018

it has been a while.

waiting is the worst torture.

I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-nonsense, anti-bullshit. I've had enough of dramas in my life, and you won't see the whole of me, til I decide so.

I'm always on the losing-control side on a see-saw, cause I'm too light to contribute and control the balance, and I'm currently terribly out of control in this relationship.

Saturday, 28 April 2018

吖 颓废的一周 赶快结束吧

我欣赏有想法的人,更爱慕付诸行动的人。
我喜欢能跟我论理说道的人,更容易爱上长发帅气的人。


过了不特别充实的一周。
不累,却疲惫;想睡,却失眠;想家了。

虚度了好多个下午,浪费了好多个夜晚;什么也没做,却连跟自己交谈的时间都没有。
这或许是这么多个月来最颓废的一周。

想把罪都怪在荷尔蒙上,总觉得有点不太负责任了。
想把罪都怪在周三晚那两小时的视频聊天,也好像太花痴了。

总之,就失眠了,却每天早上五点四十二分醒来,望着天花板;
身体在需要起床的时间总是瘫痪,总得拖个十几二十分钟才能动弹。

啊 短暂的学期 赶快结束吧 我想回家吖








Saturday, 7 April 2018

Pile of bullshit? I know you gotta agree with me at some point.

I think relationship and marriage are something to do with propaganda and to be with someone is just an addiction, with the slogan of "TRUE LOVE".

First of all, we are often being introduced to the pros of relationship and marriage, like how nice it is to be with someone you have "feelings" for and to have someone to take care of each other when we grow old. Yes, point taken.

When we end up in a terrible/abusive relationship or a jerk who totally screw up our lives, we just hit bad luck or "he's just not the Mr. Right" tend to be the answer. Like duh? How is that supposed to make us feel better?

It's not uncommon that we heard things like "hey, you're a  really nice person, why are you still single?" or "oh god, when can I meet the right one?" Why are we being shaped this way that we NEED and WANT someone to feel complete?

Is it the loneliness? Is it the peer pressure? I think it's the propaganda. We are so often being told to plot our lives in such a way that we want to get married at XX age, and of course, get a job before that. That's when the emptiness attacks, when we have gotten an awesome job but struggling to achieve the next life goal.

Then the addiction. We know that if we repeat certain behavior a number of times, it'll become a habit. Missing someone, having someone by your side all the time, someone to share your happy feelings and sad stories with, and yes, these are all habits, or I would rather call them the addictions, because addiction is for something that gives you pleasure but there're side effects, and terribly hard to get rid of. This so-called "someone special" gives us so much, the companionship, the listening ears, the "always there" and not forgetting the physical pleasure, and "pooooof!" just gone.

What, so you gonna die now? because of the bad luck and the "he's just not your Mr. Right"? Yeah, I feel like I can't breath and I literally feel like dying. Remember, the addiction? Just like when you take away the meth of a ten-years pothead, you think he is not literally dying? Yes, relationship is a habit, no, an addiction, that we often than not recklessly crave for.

So how do I relate this addiction to propaganda again? You know how little damage weeds can do to your body yet it's still being banned in many countries but how dreadful nicotine is yet it's available everywhere? There you go.

Do I sound like someone who just got dumped by a jerk? probably? but, seriously, give it a thought.

I genuinely wish every individual in the world finds the right other half and don't ever rush into any relationship for the sake of to be with someone. Well, don't be paranoid but never be dumb!





Saturday, 24 March 2018

三月, 2018

我爱你。
我爱我自己。
我真的很爱你。
我爱幻想中的你。
我不想爱了。

这是我们的五年,我们的一年,我的四年,我的三月。

你的呢?


Fall For You 正在播放中,那感觉依然那么真实、美好,我哭了,因为我疯了。



我不再为你疯狂了,因为你让我觉得恶心了。

该结束的就到此为止,将幻想与梦想划清界线。


I've done falling in love for you, and I know where the door is.

I love you
but til next time, pctm



Sunday, 28 January 2018

not a dream

maybe people is right  I am still keeping distance.

I guess I don't wanna start anything new because I have hope, I still have hope, hoping that there's a we in the future, no matter how long I have to wait for, I just want it to happen, I really need it to happen, so desperately.

I would have said yes, you know, if you were him.

Wednesday, 17 January 2018