好像是你
好害怕是你
看了一下下
还是算了

原来 我们真的不能做朋友

后知后觉这种事，很常发生在我身上

昨天才发觉，自分手那么多年以来，我很少再追求与人有关的commitment。

在失去一个很爱很爱的人，一个我当时很有自信爱得很好的人以后，我的内心对追求已经起了层雾。

不是不要，而是不敢;
糟糕的是，这种不敢的感觉是潜意识的决定，根本是不在我的清醒意识下做的决定。
这是不是所谓的phobia?

害怕被拒绝，害怕失落的感觉，害怕跌到谷底。
这不是我的错，不是他的错，是我的自我防卫系统被启动。

由于我曾经歇斯底里，所以我的脑袋把这种不愉快的经历归纳进了“NO-NO category”,也把有关的trigger一并记载。

我一直以为我很坚持：我要的，我可以得到。
昨天才发觉，其实我一直在偷偷deny我想要的，是因为我知道，有些东西不是要就可以得到。

我决定再次出去被擦伤刮破碰个淤青，
与更多人建立更人性化更有温暖的感情。

Sept 25th

this is one of the screwed up mornings.
I cant breathe but I can cry
I cant think but I can wander
I cant smile but I can teach

There's a fvking tonne of unknown pressure on my chest, the volumn of my phone is already at its max but the musics just seem to be not loud enough.

fuck, I'm screwed today.

有些梦，我追不起。

最近很多人跟我说“你的生活是我的梦想”。

我总会说“你不踏出第一步去追，你与梦想的距离就永远那么远”。

其实，我的生活到底是怎么样的呢？

我有一份喜欢的工作，

住在不错的房子里，

有闲情培养我的兴趣，

还能走透各国文化；

我一年九个月想着家，

三个月见证没法每日陪伴却苍老印迹明显的爸妈，

还有不能伴着他们成长的外甥女外甥和侄儿。

我的生活，你理解吗？

还是其实你想对我说“你的instagram是我的梦想”？

28+2

With plenty of surprises in the recent two months, I am all fragile and exposed again.

and I thought I was pretty well armored...

As I made the decision to let go, soon I found attractiveness in another soul.

I've always loved and enjoyed the silliness and uncontrollable irrationals, but as time has drawn closer to going home, I'm brought closer to the reality, and to go through my dusty rational thoughts.

I want to love and to be loved, and I want to be strong and capable.

seems like I have chosen the safe card, knowing that's the right thing to do and less chance of people seeing me stumble and broken.

but my mind is still wandering, so ready to accept any changes that may come by, while trying to look for any tiniest clue that was missed. 

Bearing in mind that, it's my call, to make everything happen, I have the power. 

 

what do you appreciate the most about yourself?

if there's one day, that you gotta compromise everything about yourself, except for one thing.

what's the only one thing of yourself that you would choose to keep?



or you would beg to forget it all...

it has been a while.

waiting is the worst torture.

I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-nonsense, anti-bullshit. I've had enough of dramas in my life, and you won't see the whole of me, til I decide so.

I'm always on the losing-control side on a see-saw, cause I'm too light to contribute and control the balance, and I'm currently terribly out of control in this relationship.