Sept 25th

this is one of the screwed up mornings.
I cant breathe but I can cry
I cant think but I can wander
I cant smile but I can teach

There's a fvking tonne of unknown pressure on my chest, the volumn of my phone is already at its max but the musics just seem to be not loud enough.

fuck, I'm screwed today.

有些梦，我追不起。

最近很多人跟我说“你的生活是我的梦想”。

我总会说“你不踏出第一步去追，你与梦想的距离就永远那么远”。

其实，我的生活到底是怎么样的呢？

我有一份喜欢的工作，

住在不错的房子里，

有闲情培养我的兴趣，

还能走透各国文化；

我一年九个月想着家，

三个月见证没法每日陪伴却苍老印迹明显的爸妈，

还有不能伴着他们成长的外甥女外甥和侄儿。

我的生活，你理解吗？

还是其实你想对我说“你的instagram是我的梦想”？

28+2

With plenty of surprises in the recent two months, I am all fragile and exposed again.

and I thought I was pretty well armored...

As I made the decision to let go, soon I found attractiveness in another soul.

I've always loved and enjoyed the silliness and uncontrollable irrationals, but as time has drawn closer to going home, I'm brought closer to the reality, and to go through my dusty rational thoughts.

I want to love and to be loved, and I want to be strong and capable.

seems like I have chosen the safe card, knowing that's the right thing to do and less chance of people seeing me stumble and broken.

but my mind is still wandering, so ready to accept any changes that may come by, while trying to look for any tiniest clue that was missed. 

Bearing in mind that, it's my call, to make everything happen, I have the power. 

 

what do you appreciate the most about yourself?

if there's one day, that you gotta compromise everything about yourself, except for one thing.

what's the only one thing of yourself that you would choose to keep?



or you would beg to forget it all...

it has been a while.

waiting is the worst torture.

I'm not anti-social, I'm anti-nonsense, anti-bullshit. I've had enough of dramas in my life, and you won't see the whole of me, til I decide so.

I'm always on the losing-control side on a see-saw, cause I'm too light to contribute and control the balance, and I'm currently terribly out of control in this relationship.

吖 颓废的一周 赶快结束吧

我欣赏有想法的人，更爱慕付诸行动的人。
我喜欢能跟我论理说道的人，更容易爱上长发帅气的人。

过了不特别充实的一周。
不累，却疲惫；想睡，却失眠；想家了。

虚度了好多个下午，浪费了好多个夜晚；什么也没做，却连跟自己交谈的时间都没有。
这或许是这么多个月来最颓废的一周。

想把罪都怪在荷尔蒙上，总觉得有点不太负责任了。
想把罪都怪在周三晚那两小时的视频聊天，也好像太花痴了。

总之，就失眠了，却每天早上五点四十二分醒来，望着天花板；
身体在需要起床的时间总是瘫痪，总得拖个十几二十分钟才能动弹。

啊 短暂的学期 赶快结束吧 我想回家吖

Pile of bullshit? I know you gotta agree with me at some point.

I think relationship and marriage are something to do with propaganda and to be with someone is just an addiction, with the slogan of "TRUE LOVE".

First of all, we are often being introduced to the pros of relationship and marriage, like how nice it is to be with someone you have "feelings" for and to have someone to take care of each other when we grow old. Yes, point taken.

When we end up in a terrible/abusive relationship or a jerk who totally screw up our lives, we just hit bad luck or "he's just not the Mr. Right" tend to be the answer. Like duh? How is that supposed to make us feel better?

It's not uncommon that we heard things like "hey, you're a  really nice person, why are you still single?" or "oh god, when can I meet the right one?" Why are we being shaped this way that we NEED and WANT someone to feel complete?

Is it the loneliness? Is it the peer pressure? I think it's the propaganda. We are so often being told to plot our lives in such a way that we want to get married at XX age, and of course, get a job before that. That's when the emptiness attacks, when we have gotten an awesome job but struggling to achieve the next life goal.

Then the addiction. We know that if we repeat certain behavior a number of times, it'll become a habit. Missing someone, having someone by your side all the time, someone to share your happy feelings and sad stories with, and yes, these are all habits, or I would rather call them the addictions, because addiction is for something that gives you pleasure but there're side effects, and terribly hard to get rid of. This so-called "someone special" gives us so much, the companionship, the listening ears, the "always there" and not forgetting the physical pleasure, and "pooooof!" just gone.

What, so you gonna die now? because of the bad luck and the "he's just not your Mr. Right"? Yeah, I feel like I can't breath and I literally feel like dying. Remember, the addiction? Just like when you take away the meth of a ten-years pothead, you think he is not literally dying? Yes, relationship is a habit, no, an addiction, that we often than not recklessly crave for.

So how do I relate this addiction to propaganda again? You know how little damage weeds can do to your body yet it's still being banned in many countries but how dreadful nicotine is yet it's available everywhere? There you go.

Do I sound like someone who just got dumped by a jerk? probably? but, seriously, give it a thought.

I genuinely wish every individual in the world finds the right other half and don't ever rush into any relationship for the sake of to be with someone. Well, don't be paranoid but never be dumb!

三月, 2018

我爱你。

我爱我自己。

我真的很爱你。

我爱幻想中的你。

我不想爱了。

这是我们的五年，我们的一年，我的四年，我的三月。

你的呢？

Fall For You 正在播放中，那感觉依然那么真实、美好，我哭了，因为我疯了。

我不再为你疯狂了，因为你让我觉得恶心了。

该结束的就到此为止，将幻想与梦想划清界线。

I've done falling in love for you, and I know where the door is.

I love you

but til next time, pctm

not a dream

maybe people is right  I am still keeping distance.

I guess I don't wanna start anything new because I have hope, I still have hope, hoping that there's a we in the future, no matter how long I have to wait for, I just want it to happen, I really need it to happen, so desperately.

I would have said yes, you know, if you were him.

i miss you

will i ever get over this?